These are a few of my favorite things… May 3, 2010

I have to say that this past class that we had really served to open my eyes up to the world of erotic media that are out there for people pleasurable consumption. Personally, I did not really enjoy most of the montage that we watched in class. However, I did really appreciate the sex-positivity in many of the clips and I think that that would be the only form of porn/erotica that I would really be able to get into. Knowing that all the partners are into it is really arousing for me. Consent is sexy, as they say. I also know that I do NOT enjoy BDSM porn– it makes me cringe. I think that I might be more into video porn as opposed to photo because it gives both audio and visual. At the same time, I really enjoyed reading our erotica from this past week and having the opportunity to use my imagination to fill in the blanks the way that I find sexy.

As a side note, I think that one of the most enjoyable parts for me in watching the montage in class was that it was in a public place and that people in the hallway probably could have heard and that the people in Sayles could have watched with us through the window. Pleasure in prohibition. Thanks Foucault.

In terms of non-media erotic material, I really dig my vibrator. I also think I might dig role play but I’ve never had the opportunity to engage in that.

-pomegranate57

yes!/no!–boundariessss April 26, 2010

There are many boundaries that I have that I have trouble articulating. I also have trouble, from time to time, judging other people’s boundaries. In the future I plan to talk with my partner more. I enjoy the idea of checking in with phrases like, “How do you feel” “Do you like when I do…”. The class also made me realize I feel more secure and engaged when I know my partner is paying attention to how I feel. In the future I hope to be more vocal about what I want. My definition of consent has altered slightly. I realize that I have been guilty of assuming that once a boundary has been crossed in the past it can be crossed again. I will now be more careful to not assume.

Peter

Boundaries April 26, 2010

I guess I don’t think about my boundaries a lot. I think it’s mostly because they don’t get tested often, especially my sexual boundaries. My last couple of romantic encounters, I did not let anything get too far. I stay within my comfort zone – and perhaps I subconsciously stopped things before the limits of my comfort zone were even reached. I want to leave this comfort zone behind. I want to try new things, meet new people, have new experiences – and sometimes when I am in these sexual situations, I feel excited and nervous. I think I need to press on, just delve a little deeper, instead of pulling back as soon as I am in newer territory. I trust myself enough that if I am really uncomfortable I will be vocal and stop.

In fact, just this weekend, I was in a situation with a partner where I told phe that I didn’t want to have sex, and found myself saying excuses: I’m tired, I don’t feel well, I’ve been drinking, etc. Then I realized that I didn’t want to make excuses – I flat out said that I simply did not want to have sex, and that was it. Whole story. I said ‘no’ emphatically. It felt good. I was being honest, with phe and myself. And I think that will be my goal – just to be honest, and also a little bit braver.

Hope y’all had a banging Spring Weekend,

Love,

Tushyface

Reasons April 12, 2010

I’ve thought a lot about what the factors are that have shaped my somewhat problematic relationship to my own sexuality.  I’m less comfortable with my body and my sexuality than I wish I could be and there is no good reason I can pinpoint.  I come from a family that encouraged open communication about sex and a culture that embraces it as a healthy part of relationships, including adolescent ones.  From every external perspective, my experiences should have led me to a healthy, confident relationship to my sexuality.  But sadly, for some reason, that’s not the case.
Sometimes I think maybe I started too early.  I think different people come into an awareness of their sexual desires at different times and mine just happened late.  But I fell in love early.  And because I felt the two were supposed to go hand in hand and so, of course, did phe, without even realizing at the time I did things that I didn’t want.  So sex became about something that was done for other people and not for me, something that involved pressure and feeling out of place and somehow dishonest.
I’m starting now to recognize my own wants and become more comfortable with wanting at all.  I’m also starting to separate sexuality from emotion.  My sexuality doesn’t have to be reserved for people I love, it can be just for me.  But I have to consciously work at these things, to fix the problems that have developed for whatever reasons I may or may not ever be able to name.
I keep thinking that if I could just find the cause it would make the solution apparent. But maybe it’s not that simple.

Terra

Sexpression April 12, 2010

I express my sexuality very differently in different contexts.  When I’m feeling really sexy and wanting to exude my sexuality I’ll dress up, smile and laugh, and pretty much flirt with everyone (reasonably of course   I really like when I’m feeling sexy because that makes me so confident with both males and females, and I feel totally empowered and able to go after anything.

Other days I just don’t feel like a sexual being at all.  Sometimes I’m just totally not in the mood, and it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with my overall mood; I could be really happy but just not feeling sexual.  My sexual desires and expression have changed a lot over my life (I’m become much more sexually expressive in general), but they also change a lot from day to day.  I like the fact that I can portray many different expressions of my sexuality so naturally.

-8pointO-

Respectosexuality April 11, 2010

I would say that my sexual identity has been defined a lot by my (what I consider) lack of sexual history. I have spent years telling myself that it was okay that I wasn’t hooking up with kids at sleep away camp or having my first boyfriend in middle school as I watched my friends have those experiences. I would say that the majority of the time I felt depressed was at camp, an environment that had been built by the counselors and the culture to be sex-positive. I learned that it was okay to be sexual, to be liberated, and to explore. So I knew that it was okay to have a vibrant sexuality, but was it okay to not have one. I was not so sure. But as I tried psyching myself up to remain happy as more and more people were getting themselves partners I started wondering what I was doing and thinking that put me in the position that I was in, essentially, how have I crafted my sexual identity to be a lack of a sexual identity. Originally this was not cool for me, and I kept wanting to “get some.” Then, I had an epiphany… that it was perfectly okay. That a lack of a sexual history was just as valid as a color one. All these years of ruminating over why I wasn’t “getting any” gave me such a self-respect. I came to realize that any sexual act, no matter how small some people might consider it, signified a lot to me and there was no reason to not be intentional about my actions. I am attracted the most to people who I know very well, especially ideologically and I know respect me for who I am, so much so that I am so careful about who I want my partners to be. It doesn’t appeal to me to be with a random partner, and this is why I have such a limited history. This to me is not prudence, but respect, for both myself and my partners. Thus, both my sexuality and sexual identity is largely based on respect.

-pomegranate57

Can’t always get what you want? March 21, 2010

5 wants!

1. To be sure of my decisions

2. To reconnect with old friends

3. To be more explicit about what I need from people in my life

4. To take more “me” time

5. To not commit to things I know I can’t/won’t do

How I will communicate these wants:

1. I am constantly second-guessing my decisions and going over “what-ifs” in my head. I often delay making decisions because I want them to be as informed as possible, so I don’t regret my decisions. I think a lot of fulfilling this want has to do with communication with myself  – I need to trust myself more and accept my decisions after I make them. I think I could also explain to people in my life that I need affirmation after making decisions, in order to lower my “what-if” stress.

2. I don’t have a lot of free time during the week, and I eat at weird times because of my class schedule (and FemSex!) so I don’t see a lot of my friends as much as I would like. I think I need to be more communicative in making sure my friends know that even if I haven’t seen them for awhile, I am still thinking of them and they matter to me. I also need to set aside more weekend time to catch up with friends.

3. This one is pretty self-explanatory. I often communicate with body language and I want to shift those communications to explicit verbal statements.

4. This, again, has to do with communication with myself — I need to tell myself to relax and trust myself to know when I should take a break from my responsibilities and just chill.

5. I often say I will attend events and then later realize I cannot, and I should be more honest upfront (with myself and with others) about my time commitments, so that when I say I will be somewhere, people believe it and can count on me.

The potluck was great — see y’all tomorrow,

soundoflaughter

Sex. Oy Vey. March 21, 2010

Although I knew talking about the actual act of sex was rather inevitable in a workshop entitled “FemSex”, finally broaching the subject made me a little nervous. It all started with the Power Shuffle. For me, this was the toughest one yet. I felt this was the one with the most discrepancies, certain people felt isolated and eye contact was hard sometimes. The later assignments were more fun, we were laughing, but the truth is, although it’s funny to judge the difference between rimming and cybersex, I haven’t done either, and there were several more on the list that I hadn’t either. But we weren’t owning up to it, just playing with it. And for me, that was a relief.

I come a from a family where we talk casually about sex, I always knew what everything was (except for rimming up until a few days ago) and I felt fairly at ease talking about it with my friends. But truthfully, I am constantly nervous. I was very sexually inexperienced up until a few months ago, a fact I was very private about. Both my siblings, younger and older, were sexually active before me, a fact my parents knew, and so I received a weird ‘congratulations’ when I told them I had finally had sex. I always feel like I’m not living up to certain expectations, my own and those of other people. And I know I could try harder, but I’m scared and nervous.

Moral of the story: nervous. Way too much. I gotta relax.

Love,

Tushyface

wants communicated March 21, 2010

1. Want… a committed relationship
2. Want… orgasm during partner sex
3. Want…to be honest about my feelings
4. Want…to drink less
5. Want…role play!

1. Communication…For me, this has always been something super hard to communicate. I don’t like being vulnerable, and thus, in the past, I have had a lot of trouble communicating that I would like a more serious relationship with a partner. In the future, if I find a partner I would like a committed relationship with, I will definitely try to have this conversation and really say exactly what I want and not beat around the bush, like I tend to do.

2. Communication…perhaps this can happen by being more vocal about what I like and don’t like before and during sex.

3. Communication…this applies to my romantic relationships and my nonromantic relationships. I have a hard time articulating my feelings, especially when I’m upset about something.  Maybe I can find other ways of doing this. I have always found writing to be an easier way of expressing myself; so, maybe, giving a small card, explaining my feelings, to those I’m trying to communicate with will be effective.

4. Communication…This is a really tricky one. It’s not that I’m a raging alcoholic, but I do enjoy drinking and I have friends who absolutely love it. Consequently I often get drunker than I may have originally intended. This wouldn’t be so much of a bad thing if I didn’t always feel vulnerable the next day. “Was I that mean to phe? Did I really say that? Is everyone mad at me?”, have all been questions I’ve had to gradually find answers to the next day. So I want to drink less. I think if I just explain to my friends I don’t want to make regrettable actions they’ll be supportive of my decision. Though, in all truth, the biggest challenge will be the actual act of drinking less.

5. Communication…I don’t think I would feel very comfortable doing this with an uncommitted partner, so want #1 would have to be fulfilled. But, if and when it does I would bring up the idea casually with a partner. I wouldn’t want phe to feel obligated. Who knows such a conversation may even open conversation to other fetishes/kink either of us may have or want to explore.

Peter

You can have whatever you like… March 21, 2010

1. I want to be told that I am appreciated when I do something for someone that requires effort. Or at least thanked.

2. I want to be hugged when I am upset

3. I want to be listened to

4. I want to not be touched by you if I don’t know you and I don’t consent (as in don’t push me along in a demeaning way)

5. I want to be more touchie-feelie around my school friends

I will communicate this effectively because…

1. I will be vocal when I feel taken for granted

2. I will ask for hugs when I want them and not expect people to know that I want them (be proactive)

3. I will be more confident in myself and ask if people are listening if I feel they might not be

4.  I will assume less awkward body language, and thus be more inviting/friendly to people

5. I will set a precedent for what I want

Aside: I had a great experience this past week where I got to say one thing I wanted to receive and one thing I wanted to give more of, and it was great experience to be able to vocalize my desires to people who I felt might be able to give me what I wanted. It worked. I said I wanted more hugs and then got so many more hugs. It felt great to be both hugged and be listened to.

Sunshine and Safe Space,

pomegranate57